Dec 162015

Why doesn’t anyone reach out to me and tell me how it is? Why do I have a permanent residence in the back ground of humanity with no one looking on, checking in, asking how I feel?

To them I am dead already, and a huge part of me –the part that used to need the slice of the blade to feel alive, knows I am already gone and the blade no longer cries out to me because even the droplets of crimson are no longer felt.

I quit cutting because Jon told me to. Demanded I do –or else.

Now, I tell myself that’s why I don’t cut, but the truth that I hold so deep is that I am scared of not feeling. That no blood will be there to fall. That I am already gone and don’t feel because that’s something the dead don’t do. And if I make it hurt, if I start again, what if I am alive and I can’t stop? What if I can’t go back?

Perhaps I am simply an addict in recovery –not that that is any simpler, but it makes more sense than being kidnapped by Jesus, dominated by man and abused by the lowliest kind.

This is not here. I am not sure where here is or how I will know if my hands have bones or if the shackles I can’t see are what paralyzes me into place.

I am sobbing and I am sorry.

It’s been just over 9 years since I signed that paper and let killers taker her life. 9 Years since I pulled the trigger and the unborn, my unborn died.

One thing I know about me is that I have no clue who I am or what I want.

I am an enigma wrapped in an illusion and I am trapped in this realm, in love with my own delusion.

A place where I am far from safe.
That lacks an escape.
Where nothing else matters because life is ours and it can’t hurt any worse.

Jun 202014

Finding Spiritual Whitespace

Finding Spiritual WhitespaceAuthor: Bonnie Gray
Published: June 3, 2014
By: Revell
ISBN-10: 0800721799
ISBN-13: 978-0800721794


Move beyond Coping and Surviving to a Rejuvenating Place of Soul Rest

How many of us find ourselves exhausted, running on empty with no time for rest, no time for ourselves, no time for God? Bonnie Gray knows exactly what that’s like. On the brink of fulfilling a lifelong dream, Bonnie’s plans suddenly went off script. Her life shattered into a debilitating journey through anxiety, panic attacks, and insomnia. But as she struggled to make sense of it all, she made an important discovery: we all need spiritual whitespace.Spiritual whitespace makes room–room in one’s heart for a deep relationship with God, room in one’s life for rest, room in one’s soul for rejuvenation. With soul-stirring vulnerability and heartbreaking honesty, Bonnie takes readers on a personal journey to feed their souls and uncover the deeper story of rest. Lyrical writing draws readers into Gray’s intimate journey through overwhelming stress to find God in a broken story and celebrate the beauty of faith.Guided by biblical encouragement and thought-provoking prompts, Gray shows readers how to create space in the everyday for God, refreshment, and faith. She also offers practical steps and insights for making spiritual whitespace a reality, right in the midst of the stress-frayed stories in every season of life.”We live in a culture that brags and boasts about being busy. Into that reality steps Bonnie with a new idea. Whitespace is an important concept and Bonnie has captured it perfectly. If you’re exhausted with being exhausted, read this book. If you feel too busy to read this book, then that’s probably the best sign of all that you need it.”–from the foreword by Jon Acuff, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff Christians Like

My Review

Finding Spiritual Whitespace –Awakening your soul to rest by Bonnie Gray

I have been reading Finding Spiritual Whitespace by Bonnie Gray and to be honest I have been struggling with it. Why? Because it is a really good book and while my experiences and hers are different they both lead to the same place, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

It is hard to read about a fellow person, someone who I read regularly on their blog and see regularly online and know that they too feel pain, have suffered mentally and are on this insanely crazy journey of healing through doctors and God.

Yet I can’t seem to put the book down. It feels like it is my story too, maybe Bonnie wrote it so it would feel like that or maybe that’s just how close to home this book is. It seems like a lot of the books I have read lately are about PTSD and God and this journey and I firmly believe that God is speaking to me saying “look, these people struggle to, you are NOT alone, and I am with each of you always!”

My Review of this book is pretty simple.

Buy it, borrow it, whatever you need to do in order to read it because if it’s not YOU who is suffering from PTSD it is someone you know or will know and knowledge is power and knowledge through God is the ultimate power! This is a candid account of a real life journey of a strong person breaking down and being built back up through psychology, prayer and a whole lot of determination!

I am beyond proud of Bonnie Gray for writing this book, her story, because it is books like this that really heal. Not the ones written by doctors who have never experienced any of it and think that the letters after their name give them the ability to cure you, because they can’t. It’s the real people with real issues who have really went through it that actually help you reach a level of peace, healing, a feeling of not being broken and alone. Community, even if the other person never knows.

Editorial Reviews

From the Back Cover

Move beyond Surviving to a Rejuvenating Place of Soul Rest

How many of us find ourselves running on empty with no time for rest, no time for ourselves, no time for God?

Bonnie Gray knows what that’s like. On the brink of fulfilling a lifelong dream, she saw her plans shatter into a journey through painful memories and anxiety. In her search for answers, she made an important discovery: we all need spiritual whitespace.

 It’s the space on a page left unmarked. Untouched. Whitespace makes art beautiful. It gives the eye a place to rest. Just like beautiful art, our souls need balance and beauty.

With heartbreaking honesty, Bonnie guides you to discover a better story for yourself, one that feeds your soul and makes room for rest. Infused with biblical encouragement and thought-provoking prompts, this book shows us how to create space in the everyday for God, refreshment, and faith–right in the midst of our stress-frayed lives.

“Whitespace is soul grace. Bonnie Gray ushers weary women into the real possibility.”–Ann Voskamp, New York Times bestselling author of One Thousand Gifts

“Women need this message. If you want to hear Jesus speak more tenderly to your soul than ever before, this is the book for you.”–Lysa TerKeurst, New York Times bestselling author of Unglued

“We live in a culture that brags and boasts about being busy. Into that reality steps Bonnie with a new idea.”–from the foreword by Jon Acuff, New York Times bestselling author of Start

Bonnie Gray is the soulful writer behind, serving up shots of faith for the daily grind. Her work is featured on DaySpring (in)courage and nationally syndicated on After graduating from UCLA, Bonnie served as a missionary, ministry entrepreneur, and Silicon Valley high-tech professional. She lives in Northern California with her husband, Eric, and their two sons.

About the Author

Bonnie Gray is the soulful writer behind Faith Barista, serving up shots of faith for everyday life. She is a featured contributor for DaySpring (in)courage and her work is also nationally syndicated on After graduating from UCLA, Bonnie served as a missionary, ministry entrepreneur, and Silicon Valley high-tech professional. She lives in Northern California with her husband, Eric, and their two sons, and blogs about her fascination with the challenge of keeping faith hot and fresh in the daily grind at

Jan 242014


Reading HIs VisitsI have recently been reading and inspired by a book I reviewed called Seeing the Voice of God. Somehow, this book changed me, changed me in one of those good ways where instead of feeling like you’re wrong, or like you’re a freak you can actually say that yes I am having dreams, day and night and I am able to see His voice.

Reading into these thoughts and realize that yes, they are messages from God. I am not “evil” as some people think because I am not practicing some form of evil. I am practicing my communication skills with God, with Christ! I am reading the Bible, I am reading blogs by women who love Him as dearly as I do and I am one of the ones who is blessed to be visited by Him in the form of dreams!

His hands cup my soul, they give me visions of the past, the future, the present. He visits me because I am His child. He tells me His story because I am ready to read. His presence is always there because He lives in me but it is those visits that truly reveal to me the plans He has for my life.

Reading-Oh How Good It Feels

When I found out I was pregnant with DS9 my grandma had died only about two months before. Six days after conception, yes six days, she came to me as a spirit in a dream and she congratulated me on being pregnant with a baby boy. About 3 weeks and a dozen pregnancy tests later a FAINT line could be seen, one that I could only see in the brightest of windows and it had confirmed what I had already been told. I remember this visit from my grandma as very spiritual. I remember it in its entirety. She was whole, healthy, excited and at peace and she was my grandmother, sent to me from the Heavens to announce my pregnancy.

An angel came to me, sent by the Lord and told me I was pregnant. Told me I was carrying a boy, even his middle name was revealed to me in that visit. These women of the Bible. The ones who had these same spiritual, soul encompassing and life altering experiences are still walking today! I know, because the Lord blessed me as He chose me to learn of this special gift the way those women from years and years ago learned. I am not alone. He visits. He sends angels. You just have to be readings the messages He paints for you so you don’t chalk it up to coincidence and write Him off. If you refuse to see what He places right in front of you, how will you read those bigger messages?

Accept His visits. See the Voice of God!


Jan 242014

Ordered – Working on God’s Time

I love how the Lord listens to our hearts and our prayer and how He listens to what it is I not only want but need. I am often found saying “if it’s meant to be it will be” and over the holiday season I began to follow a lovely Christian author -Ann Voskamp. Oh how I wanted to get her books but I just couldn’t afford it so I prayed and I tried to find a way or a place that made her three titles affordable to me, I couldn’t spend money on shipping for three separate orders so it only made sense to wait and order the books as a package.

Then, yesterday, it happened! I ordered the books from! I also received a free 30 day membership to Amazon Prime and I lucked out and received free shipping! The Lord had LISTENED and He knows my heart is ready to read these books and be blessed by the impact they will have on my life.

I had woke up yesterday to an Amazon gift card in my email which not only covered the price of the books but also left me with 9 dollars to spend at another time. I plan to get my son the Action Bible and my daughter “Before You Meet Prince Charming: A Guide to Radiant Purity” by Sarah Mally. I have been using SwagBucks to work towards getting a gift card to pay for these two books and I have also been doing surveys.

I can’t wait for my newly ordered books to get here so that I can indulge in Ann Voskamp’s extraordinary, god-driven, prose. Oh how I love how she blogs and speaks in a manner that pulls one in because of the poetic and song like way she places the Lords Word into our hearts and minds.”

Hundreds of thousands of readers have already fallen in love with Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts, and this Christmas, Ann invites readers into the rich and meaningful celebration of Christmas we all long for — a celebration of the complete love story that’s been coming for you since the very beginning.  
In what is certain to become an instant holiday classic, Voskamp reaches back into the pages of the Old Testament to explore the lineage of Jesus — the greatest gift — through the majestic advent tradition of “The Jesse Tree,” each day featuring its own exquisite ornament highlighting the Biblical story (free download of each of the 25 ornaments available from Voskamp’s website, ).
Beginning with Jesse, the father of David, The Greatest Gift retraces the epic pageantry of mankind, from Adam to the Messiah, with each day’s profound reading pointing to the coming promise of Christ, so that come Christmas morning you find that the season hasn’t blurred past you but your heart’s fully unwrapped the greatest gift you’ve always yearned for.
Sure to become a holiday staple in every Christian home, The Greatest Gift, a New York Times bestseller, is the perfect gift for the holidays and a timeless invitation into the richness of the true meaning of Christmas.
$19.99 USD
Just like you, Ann Voskamp hungers to live her one life well. Forget the bucket lists that have us escaping our everyday lives for exotic experiences. ‘How,’ Ann wondered, ‘do we find joy in the midst of deadlines, debt, drama, and daily duties? What does the Christ-life really look like when your days are gritty, long–and sometimes even dark? How is God even here?’ In One Thousand Gifts, Ann invites you to embrace everyday blessings and embark on the transformative spiritual discipline of chronicling God’s gifts. It’s only in this expressing of gratitude for the life we already have, we discover the life we’ve always wanted…a life we can take, give thanks for, and break for others. We come to feel and know the impossible right down in our bones: we are wildly loved–by God. Let Ann’s beautiful, heart-aching stories of the everyday give you a way of seeing that opens your eyes to ordinary amazing grace, a way of being present to God that makes you deeply happy, and a way of living that is finally fully alive. Come live the best dare of all!
$18.99 USD

Following the New York Times Bestseller, One Thousand Gifts — a guide to giving thanks and finding joy in all aspects of life — Ann Voskamp returns with this companion One Thousand Gifts Devotional. How in the world do we find real joy and experience grace in the midst of deadlines, debt, drama, and all these daily duties? 


These sixty reflections, each one like a singular tree, invite you to take wing into a forest of graces. Glimpses of grace that will lead you into your own lifestyle of Christ-focus and communion. Into how your desperate need of Him every moment is wildly met with His extravagant love for you. As practical as profound, this devotional offers real life transformation with intentional space to begin the radical habit of thanking God for your own one thousand gifts.  


The endless grace of our overflowing God, it’s meant to be experienced directly. The most important thing is simply to begin. 


Pick up a pen and this book — and change your life.  Take the dare to fully live!


God’s just waiting to bless you with the greatest gift of all—more and more of Himself….

$16.99 USD
Jan 132014

Staying Home ~ Can I afford it?

For many of us moms {and dads} we want to stay home with our children and raise them at home instead of using daycare or even school. Being able to home-school is becoming a huge trend that I see with most bloggers and living on one income can definitely be a make or break for how you bring up your family.

Once you crunch those numbers and create your new budget you likely have seen that you are literally going to live paycheck to paycheck and won’t have any extra spending money as you adjust to your new life at home.

Today I want to discuss with you how I personally am able to be a single, stay at home mom who doesn’t receive child support.

My Business

You would be surprised to hear that I don’t make much from my blogs and that few people actually do. We litter our blogs with affiliate links and ads and we even get paid for the odd post here and there but that is not dependable income nor is it ever the same. So far this year I have made $1 through my combined affiliate links!!

Last year I decided there had to be a better way to stay home, make money, and continue to write/blog. I joined several expensive stay at home businesses and flopped big time. Well, I shouldn’t say I flopped but the cost of the products just covered what I was making. Breaking it down I was only making a few dollars an hour!

That is, until I found the company I am with now, doing referrals for fortune 500 companies! I post to Facebook each day in several mom groups and business groups and with each inquiry I receive I simply give my business link and I then talk each person through the 3 simple steps to earning money, THAT DAY!

What Does it Cost?

My total investment to begin earning was about 17 dollars {CDN}! Best of all, I got to chose what I spent that money on so that I could get started. By picking trial offers from fortune 500 companies I was able to pick the trials I wanted and then begin to promote them!

This is where the earning comes in. Once I started promoting these awesome offers and friends, family and complete strangers began to also try these offers I earned on each successful referral! Not the $1 I receive from affiliate links either but a MINIMUM of $20 per completed referral.

Do You Want to Learn More?

If you want to learn more about doing referrals and waking up each morning to cash in your PayPal account then this is an amazing program for you. You can make over $100 per referral which is more than I could or would make at a regular job and I certainly wouldn’t be able to collect on it all AND stay home with my family!

Getting Started

Check out my website about this amazing opportunity that has worked for me and several of my friends, allowing each of us to be stay at home parents!

In just 3 steps you can start earning before you go to bed tonight. You simply have to put in your email address and then look at the available offers to get started. If you decide to wait or find that this isn’t for you right now you won’t be bombarded with emails or contacted again.

This is truly YOUR business!

That said, If you do decide to join be sure to let me know so I can add you to our success groups and training groups on Facebook, where you will receive all the support you need and become part of a family that will ensure your success!

Start now by visiting my website!

If you are wanting to make extra cash, completely replace your income, get out of debt, stay at home, set your own hours, be your own boss than this is definitely for you!

stay at home

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
%d bloggers like this: