In some sort of twisted manner I am punishing myself. I have always punished myself. Ever since that day in the snow where innocence was lost to a man who held me firmly in place while forcing himself on me, into me, violating me right there between the two houses and my body numb, maybe that was when my mind decided to protect itself, to punish itself, to cause an ugliness that no one could ever want or love, or maybe it was the iced snow that I was melting into causing me to float away from myself and the shock of the bath water making sure I never fully came back.
I may not have any new blooded lines covering my raw and naked flesh but that doesn’t mean that I am not suffering, the only difference is no one can see the pain I am feeling and there is no visual representation of the scars on the inside healing, maybe it’s because they aren’t, they are my unspoken broken, the parts that I try to hand up to God and then with a single word I recoil like I am the serpent in the flesh and I wonder if maybe that’s why the God I praise doesn’t listen when I pray and instead allows me to be my own victim, my own prey.
My body trembles as the drug leaves my system, invisible chills that can’t be felt but cause my body to shiver just the same, the nausea causing bile to rise and I choke it back and swallow hard the nausea meds and the Tylenol with the candy coating and the migraine that has taken up permanent residence behind my eyes beats to the rhythm of it’s own drum and I sing lyrics I don’t know and I walk the broken streets of cobblestone and then he says it “Love you too Marisa” and the tears flow from a place in my head that I had worked so hard to pulverize without success.
My name. He uses my name. I have been given it back. The name I was given the moment I entered this world, the one that my parents toiled over while expecting me, the one my birth certificate states and the government knows me as, the name that had been stripped from me by the man who stripped me of everything. My name pops up on my screen and suddenly those flood gates aren’t made out of some great wall but instead the hurt is held back by a chain link fence and everything flows straight on through and I wonder if the gates were better when encased in the wall that will surely go back up.
The scars that I wear, tattooed to me as a reminder of where I have been and that I escaped the physical aspect, and they don’t bring me shame because every scar has a story, every line reads like a barcode that only I can scan. My veins throb beneath my skin and beg for release and my conflicted brain says no and yes at the same time and my heart hardens a little bit more while trying to contain the pain and I realize that I have my name but my identity has been cloaked in a dusted blanket of insanity and the cobwebs in my cathedral have left me in a constant place of self-imposed hurt that only I can see.