Sep 122016
 

Dust in the Snow –October 11 006 –Marisa Slusarcyk

Overthinking all that should be forgot

Took my blood without a second thought

You lied, I cried

Only wish one had died

The pain inside is obvious to see

Branded into her blood ridden lines of three

Push through the window braking hard to stop

I see you, I feel you

And as I come to a slow

You’re gone,

Like dust in the snow

Forever it feels you’ll bounce in my head

Get out of me, get out now

You’ve played enough games

Please take your final bow

My heart is broken

But for you it does not mourn

The scars on the outside match those on thee in

The life I have led

Because of you

Is buried in sin

One day you will pay as I do now

God is the forgiving type

But for you I don’t see how

In hell you will burn to ashes each day

Forgotten,

Like dust in the snow

 Posted by at 11:45 PM
Sep 122016
 

Shattered and shaking I couldn’t get the figurative yet really real feel of the steal out of my hands enough, with broken hearts and eyes that couldn’t barricade the tears I tossed them back to their owners knowing it wasn’t who I was to control a lock, to control anything at all.

The uneasy fear of being responsible quickly replaced by the instant regrets screaming inside my head “what have you done?” while simultaneously being happy to be free from the responsibility of it all. My heart crying tears from failing and my soul locking itself away behind imaginary bars that keep me contained and locked away from everything that hurts…

Unfortunately, the pain still slithers on through the bars though, it reaches in and spills my guts out of my abdomen and then forces me to clean up the bloody mess I am making as I struggle with my insides on the outside, killing me.

I realize that maybe I am not ready for any of this, any rules, guidance, and most importantly love.

I push love away like I would toss a hot potato or scream against the heat of a brand before it ever touched my flesh. Love hurts, there are like 20 billion songs written all about heart ache, heart break and trying to pick up the pieces of the aftermath, so I push it away because it can consume me whole.

10 years now since my baby died while fluttering inside of my undeserving womb. My only memory is a dot with a flashing light on the ultrasound screen. A dot with a heart that would know only love as she was born into the hands of God…

Leaving me to ache and suffer and cry and beg to die and wait for a release that I doubt will ever come. Locking myself away and refusing to feel because feeling leads to pain and from pain I no longer know how to heal… and I don’t believe I deserve to even if I did.

No, I deserved the whips and the chains and the muffled cries. The degradation that hurt me beyond any words could say. I deserve the triggers and the nightmares and the physical pain.

Love, joy, happiness, all things I can witness but never fully experience, because God created me to suffer, knowing full well that I would be passed to Satans hands just like the ones tested in the bible were.

My life doesn’t get a place in a book that will be forever remembered, or remembered at all, and I am okay with that…

I just need to stop fucking up my own life long enough to barely impact others.

We’re the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We’re dead,
We know just who we are

 Posted by at 3:32 AM
Sep 082016
 

I hope you can see how sorry I am with my downcast eyes and the tears that silently form along the edges and escape down my cheek. The salty taste as they run over my lips, a reminder that you are hurt and disappointed in me and my refusal to obey simple orders.

There are no words for how many times I said “no” to the one who cares for me or the tantrum I threw like a toddler in the night, not getting her way to stay up late. Ignoring the sweet pleas in your tone that were more than willing to work with me to keep me safe… only, looking back now I see that the safety net was a simple mirage and that sometimes I have to hit the cold hard ground in order to learn from my middle of the night mistakes.

I feel very child-like, but not in the fun way, not where I get a love swat or can even envision your mouth on my neck and jaw teasingly working up to meet my mouth and showing me that anything can be beautiful if I just lean in to you and trust you to keep me safe.

I tremble each time I click send, not because I am scared but because I don’t want to cause hurt. I don’t want to be out of line. I don’t want to break the rules that I have given you dominion over in my life and as fast as that ground comes up and smacks me dead on relentlessly I am reminded that I am the one who has asked you to take me.

Volunteering my body to be used at your will, control no longer my own and the ability to take it back only a word or two away while I don’t see myself ever asking to be free. The strings between my soul and yours remaining uncut, like an umbilical cord pumping everything the unborn baby needs into it, making it a healthier, stronger person when they escape the cocoon of their mother’s womb.

I am struggling a ton right now with things from the past that are distracting my mind and making it so I don’t want to sleep because I don’t feel safe when I close my eyes in the black of the night and I struggle to find the words to express that pain or that fear that seemingly haunts me even while heavily sedated.

I know you only want whats best for me and that you only have my best interest at heart and yet the part of me that misbehaves seems so far away from who I am. I’m a girl who has offered her submission to you and you have never done anything to deserve the disrespect I have shown.

Part of me fears that there may be changes I don’t like and part of me fears I will keep testing the boundaries without ever fully understanding why I feel the need to test them at all.

I know my past has a lot to do with it, because those boundaries always changed and rules that were one thing one day were not the same the next and punishment had to be given for things I didn’t even know was wrong. I beg for consistency so that I can be good and when I find someone whose love is consistent and their interest is in my safety it is still a hard thing to grasp mentally, and for whatever reason I push, like I am on the inside of a balloon and struggling to see if I can make it pop.

I want to be yours, completely, or at least as completely as you will have me. I want my mind, body and soul to crave your words and your attention like it is the water of life. I need to eagerly await your waking up and saying “good morning” to me and know that I haven’t caused a bad day by ending the night in a horrible way.

Today I know that while most of last night was a blur that my behavior will not be tolerated and being medicated isn’t an excuse to be disobedient. Seeing everything that I said in broken English as my body and mind no longer worked together and I fought it anyway is hard to look at, to know that those precious moments can so easily be destroyed. I have no clue how many times I have said sorry and I realize that “sorry” isn’t worth the paper it is written on without change, but I am sorry and more importantly I am eager to try harder to be obedient, to do what I need to in order to please you, and to accept responsibility when I cross a line.

My body still hurts like I have been beaten, the bruising on the insides a constant reminder of the breaths I take and the fact that I don’t need to fight my body because fighting my body doesn’t get me anywhere and in order to heal I have to obey you because you are the one who is caring for my health, who is concerned about the bruising and the tenderness that touch me physically while also wounding my soul.

I know you don’t want to put my light out. I know that you love me. I know that you care about me. I know that any challenge you give me is for pleasure and maybe a little bit of fun pain and definitely to help me grow into the girl you want me to be. You see potential where I see darkness. I want my actions and my words to reflect the respect I have for you.

For all of the trouble I have caused you, and all the pain I have inflicted not only on you, but also on myself, I am truly sorry, my love. I know that forgiveness may come easily but that doesn’t mean that everything is put back to the way it was. I destroyed some of the trust you had in me and I promise to do my best to earn it back, now and always.

Aug 212016
 

I laid there with the hot water dripping down my foot and for a few seconds I wondered if the scalding pain would force me to move but my eyes have been so heavy and before I knew it they were fighting to stay awake, the sounds of a house asleep and the rhythmic burning drip running between my toes putting me to sleep like a parched-summer welcomes rain.

I opened my eyes and I was still in the tub, only I was standing in the shower and it was home, but not this home, not where I have come to be but where I ran from and my body deceived me, not moving or comprehending what was going on. My hair being used as a handle to push me to my knees and I thought to myself “I remember this” as the panicked bile started to rise.

I instinctively closed my eyes knowing what was going to come next. My head pushed back into the wall and there nothing to grab, the shower curtain replaced by shower doors and nothing to hold onto and the only thing keeping me upright at all is the knotted hand in my hair.

I heard his voice so far away and yet too close for comfort. Did I dream that I had escaped? His salted heat hit me in the face and I didn’t want to open my eyes because I didn’t want to see him, or his body. I just wanted it to all go away. Did he really just do that to me? And before another thought can even begin he twists me around and his urine hit my hair, running through it and down my back and then my face and chest. Tears stuck somewhere inside of me as the degradation and reality set in. I was his all right. I had no choice. Tossed out of the shower and cuffed behind my back before I could even try and wipe myself clean.

I jolted awake and saw my foot growing red under the faucet and looked around, I am not bound anymore and yet 11 years after escaping I could feel it all like it was yesterday. I scrubbed and scrubbed again, making my skin itchy-red-raw and my hair so clean that it feels like straw.

Flashbacks plague me. Not everyday, but when they do they come fast and hard and without warning or notice. I felt so filthy laying in the bath I had to get out and I couldn’t hold it down anymore and my body heaved and purged itself of the toxicity of the memories of the past.

I scrubbed my face and took in the smell of my moisturizer -fresh roses- and stood there looking at myself naked in the mirror, staring into scars I don’t want to see, scars that tell anyone who sees that I have been used, abused, and that I am ugly. I slipped on my pj top over my wet skin with my hair hanging and dripping into the thin fabric.

The panic still trapping me like a coffin being nailed shut even though my surroundings indicate I am free. I feel the weight on my chest and the strain in each breath. The lights are all on but it’s the blackness from the underground that I can see.

Aug 142016
 

I NEVER thought Aria could be part of it all of this time but then this season she has been sticking out to me more. Like first with her keeping the hair cut that she was supposed to be terrorized to get. i have PTSD and the last thing someone with PTSD wants is to keep something that their abuser did to them. So the hair made me think that it was odd, especially when Hanna had such a REAL reaction in shredding her room apart saying it was all tainted and ruined.

Then when Mary had darker hair I was like hmm because even identical twins don’t always carry the exact same traits through their whole lives, and it seems like when we see clips of what could have been Mary in other seasons she had darker hair and Jessica was blonde, we don’t ReALLY know whose hair is closest to natural we just know they are both dyed. Next was how Aria’s parents seem to be with

Then when Mary had darker hair I was like hmm because even identical twins don’t always carry the exact same traits through their whole lives, and it seems like when we see clips of what could have been Mary in other seasons she had darker hair and Jessica was blonde, we don’t ReALLY know whose hair is closest to natural we just know they are both dyed. Next was how Aria’s parents seem to be with

Then when Mary had darker hair I was like hmm because even identical twins don’t always carry the exact same traits through their whole lives, and it seems like when we see clips of what could have been Mary in other seasons she had darker hair and Jessica was blonde, we don’t ReALLY know whose hair is closest to natural we just know they are both dyed. Next was how Aria’s parents seem to be with

Next was how Aria’s parents seem to be with her, like they are scared or walking on egg-shells around her, plus there is the whole why did Merideth drug Aria and lock her in the basement thing and why was Byron okay with it? Also, why does Ella seem to have memory issues when it comes to talking about Aria or to Aria, its like she is being very careful to not give things away, perhaps Byron is her dad but Ella is not her mother? Who is

Who is Charlotte’s dad?

Finally, we have what happened to the girls versus what has happened to Aria. From the very beginning Aria was the very first to receive an A text, BUT the damages A did to her were very very mild, like the letter to her mom saying her dad had cheated and she knew, the weights being bolted wrong that could have fallen and killed Mike, but happened to fall on Aria (she could have set that up knowing Mike wouldnt get hurt), in the doll house her hair was cut and streaked pink, and of course like i said before the whole Merideth issue. All the time that A could have put Ezra in jail for dating a student and all of her lying to see him etc was never on A’s radar, we have to trust that A was aware of this stuff as it went on for months and A never used it, why?

Hanna, on the other hand, was run over by Mona and broke her leg and nearly needed her spleen removed, she was forced to humiliate herself publicly about the money her mom stole from the bank, her relationship with Caleb was ALWAYS being threatened, she had clearly went through something very traumatic in the doll house that we didn’t even see since she was such a mess, Hanna’s mom was arrested for Wilden’s murder which was supposedly committed my CeCe, the Carrisseeme group offered her a huge scholarship like they were saying sorry. And of course she was just kidnapped again and tortured by waterboarding and electrocution.

Spencer was given drugs, driven to insanity and drug use, was lead to believe Toby was killed by A, was arrested for murdering Bethany, was pulled away from all of her schooling and such by A and in the doll house was covered in blood and left to think she had killed someone. As much as Spencer would work to get ahead things would always pull her back and leave her looking guilty or insane, like her being locked in the shower and Aria finding her.

Emily was nearly hit by a car and ruined her swimming career, her house had a car drive through it and nearly crunch her mom (and of course we can’t forget it had the shoes to help frame Hanna’s mom for Wilden’s death), she received cryptic messages in note form in the locker rooms etc, Sara ran away to live with her and keep tabs on her, and again we don’t know what exactly happened in the doll house with her but she seems pretty messed up by her experience when Aria simply didn’t. We don’t know how Emily’s dad was killed but it seems pretty recent based on how Pam was acting this past episode. Emily’s eggs were stolen and who knows what happened to them. She was drugged via lotions with a steroid, and Paige and her were constantly fighting and barely together as a result of trying to keep Paige safe from A.

Lots happened to all the girls, but it really seems like the stuff that happened to Aria was more of a “me too” type of thing since nothing major occurred and the small things all easily could have been set up by her. Like I said, I was never into it being Aria before but now I am definitely wondering.

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