Born into Heaven
I have lost several children through miscarriage and it never gets easier. Holding that tiny little person in your hand while your body is physically in pain and your mind is on this confused insane roller coaster and you hold that baby in your hand and you love it because it is yours and it came from you and you are thrown into the process of grieving the loss of this child that you never had the chance to known.
Not a day goes by that you don’t look at your other children and wonder what traits the babies you birthds into the hands of God would have. You wonder what would cause a belly laugh, if they would like the same sports, would they be shy or outgoing, would they have dark hair or light, what about their eyes, what color would they be?
Other people, other moms, maybe even your own family or spouse doesn’t feel the same way you do. They don’t understand why you can’t “get over it” and they don’t understand the pain behind the smile. This leads to resentment and hate. This is your child and you have lost it and they say you need to get over it! Obviously they have never felt that same pain as you have or they would understand where the hurt comes from. Why the hurt exists and why years pass right on by and each year that comes you are saddened when your baby was due and have a semi-celebration in your head and heart and you do something special so your baby knows that they impacted your life in a way that a few short weeks can’t alter a life the way their existence has.
The anniversary of their death comes and it is another reminder of this beautiful little life that you never met. The “I should have had a ___ year old” passes through our minds and we feel utterly alone in our wonderment while we dream of our angels and the ONLY peace available to us is through Christ.
So we hold onto the fact that our babies opened their eyes and they saw His face first! They were sent here by God and they were picked up and cradled by Him just the same. They are with the BEST Father they could ever have and while this thought brings a lot of peace, at least to me, it still doesn’t fill that void.
I still play with my other children and think about the giggles I am missing out on. I am woken up in the night by the sounds of a baby crying only to realize it was just a dream.
Filling the Void
How do I fill this void inside of me for this little boy that I lost. He would be due at the end of February. I know several beautiful and blessed women who have miscarried and I wonder how they heal because I just can’t seem to.
So right now I find myself thinking quite often that I should be so many weeks pregnant and that I should be setting up for the arrival of my son and then it clicks once again that the pregnancy is no longer and that my baby boy has been growing up in Heaven.
I cry, a lot. I get argumentative. I blame others because they don’t seem affected like I am and it hurts so much for them to be telling me to get up and move on when they obviously just don’t understand. I often wonder if they are heartless because they don’t comprehend these holes that live within my soul.
This pattern happens every year around those anniversaries and every year I take to not wanting to go out. I just want to sleep. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to think that my last baby girl would already be six and a half years old and I never even met her and I don’t like to think that my womb should be filled with the life of a child that has been taken back by the Lord. I sleep and I try to avoid it and honestly? It doesn’t work. It makes me a bad mother, a bad house keeper, I don’t take care of myself properly during these times of prolonged hibernation but I just can’t manage to face the world when all I want is to hear those cries.
I dream of the day that I will be able to enter into the Kingdom of God and finally meet these beautiful little people that I helped to create. I can’t wait to be their mother and to know them in a way that I presently don’t. I am excited to know that side and while I know that my Grandma is up their holding their hands and ensuring their walk with God I still become excited at the prospect of joining them one day!
A people yet to be created will praise the Lord