I hope you can see how sorry I am with my downcast eyes and the tears that silently form along the edges and escape down my cheek. The salty taste as they run over my lips, a reminder that you are hurt and disappointed in me and my refusal to obey simple orders.
There are no words for how many times I said “no” to the one who cares for me or the tantrum I threw like a toddler in the night, not getting her way to stay up late. Ignoring the sweet pleas in your tone that were more than willing to work with me to keep me safe… only, looking back now I see that the safety net was a simple mirage and that sometimes I have to hit the cold hard ground in order to learn from my middle of the night mistakes.
I feel very child-like, but not in the fun way, not where I get a love swat or can even envision your mouth on my neck and jaw teasingly working up to meet my mouth and showing me that anything can be beautiful if I just lean in to you and trust you to keep me safe.
I tremble each time I click send, not because I am scared but because I don’t want to cause hurt. I don’t want to be out of line. I don’t want to break the rules that I have given you dominion over in my life and as fast as that ground comes up and smacks me dead on relentlessly I am reminded that I am the one who has asked you to take me.
Volunteering my body to be used at your will, control no longer my own and the ability to take it back only a word or two away while I don’t see myself ever asking to be free. The strings between my soul and yours remaining uncut, like an umbilical cord pumping everything the unborn baby needs into it, making it a healthier, stronger person when they escape the cocoon of their mother’s womb.
I am struggling a ton right now with things from the past that are distracting my mind and making it so I don’t want to sleep because I don’t feel safe when I close my eyes in the black of the night and I struggle to find the words to express that pain or that fear that seemingly haunts me even while heavily sedated.
I know you only want whats best for me and that you only have my best interest at heart and yet the part of me that misbehaves seems so far away from who I am. I’m a girl who has offered her submission to you and you have never done anything to deserve the disrespect I have shown.
Part of me fears that there may be changes I don’t like and part of me fears I will keep testing the boundaries without ever fully understanding why I feel the need to test them at all.
I know my past has a lot to do with it, because those boundaries always changed and rules that were one thing one day were not the same the next and punishment had to be given for things I didn’t even know was wrong. I beg for consistency so that I can be good and when I find someone whose love is consistent and their interest is in my safety it is still a hard thing to grasp mentally, and for whatever reason I push, like I am on the inside of a balloon and struggling to see if I can make it pop.
I want to be yours, completely, or at least as completely as you will have me. I want my mind, body and soul to crave your words and your attention like it is the water of life. I need to eagerly await your waking up and saying “good morning” to me and know that I haven’t caused a bad day by ending the night in a horrible way.
Today I know that while most of last night was a blur that my behavior will not be tolerated and being medicated isn’t an excuse to be disobedient. Seeing everything that I said in broken English as my body and mind no longer worked together and I fought it anyway is hard to look at, to know that those precious moments can so easily be destroyed. I have no clue how many times I have said sorry and I realize that “sorry” isn’t worth the paper it is written on without change, but I am sorry and more importantly I am eager to try harder to be obedient, to do what I need to in order to please you, and to accept responsibility when I cross a line.
My body still hurts like I have been beaten, the bruising on the insides a constant reminder of the breaths I take and the fact that I don’t need to fight my body because fighting my body doesn’t get me anywhere and in order to heal I have to obey you because you are the one who is caring for my health, who is concerned about the bruising and the tenderness that touch me physically while also wounding my soul.
I know you don’t want to put my light out. I know that you love me. I know that you care about me. I know that any challenge you give me is for pleasure and maybe a little bit of fun pain and definitely to help me grow into the girl you want me to be. You see potential where I see darkness. I want my actions and my words to reflect the respect I have for you.
For all of the trouble I have caused you, and all the pain I have inflicted not only on you, but also on myself, I am truly sorry, my love. I know that forgiveness may come easily but that doesn’t mean that everything is put back to the way it was. I destroyed some of the trust you had in me and I promise to do my best to earn it back, now and always.