Marisa

Aug 282017
 

I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be a part of anything -big or small. The pain inside seems to stem from nowhere and everywhere all at once and I don’t know how to bear it, or if I want to. The nectar flowing through my veins warms me, puts a crooked smile on my face and belly laughs that hide the fact the tears are real.

Anxiety causes my heart to race and wakes me from the peace of not feeling at all. I wish I could make it stop, but nothing can, and I won’t hold my breath that death will cause it to end either. Crazy thing about eternal life is the eternal damnation.

I am damned.

You can’t punish me more than I punish myself. You can’t make the hurt more painful than it already is. Nothing can.

So, I laugh and I play and I beg God to take me back… but he won’t, because fallen angels never go back. We may earn our wings, but only to carry our own sins. Floating through eternity in air dense as mud.

I would question my sanity, if I had any left.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…
I watched the sunset and stayed to watch it rise, and then I said goodbye to the light- knowing it was my last.

The darkness of the country sky is broken by the blinking coloured light of a plane flying slowly by. Hundreds of miles high, moving faster than the inches from 4 feet below ground can see.

The cat cutting through the earphones as she kills a mouse, or a string or an elastic band. The music playing my own voice -Foolish Games, Hallelujah… Unsteady…

I’m just a little unsteady…

 Posted by at 11:21 PM
Jun 022017
 

With a wireless microphone system you don’t have to worry about the tedious job of storing, managing and remembering which wire is for which item for things to come together. Going wireless is perfect for any situation. It makes your ability to create easily portable as you can move from a performance venue to your home or a family reunion with easy setup, fewer parts to lose or try to replace, and genuinely finding the time to just enjoy each moment.

Music brings people together. Music with the right gear creates magical moments that won’t be forgotten!

 Posted by at 9:05 PM
May 292017
 

The pen and the paper have met many times over the last weeks, but the cursor continues to be cursed, blinking tauntingly at my weathered soul, begging for me to reveal to the world the depths of the holes that penetrate so far and wide that not even light can traverse the jagged mass.

Every breath I take hurts my soul, knowing its breath that I no longer want. My pain in my body can be dulled by the medications, but the pain in my soul has nowhere to go, nothing to take it away. I find myself in doubt. Questioning existence, torture, pain and beg the question why?


I’ve searched psychology books, history books, the Bible and my own faith and all that stands out to me is when Job says, “I have no rest, for trouble comes” because trouble always comes.

Only, now I ask myself, am I the trouble? Am I the cause of the pain? Do I bring this hurt upon myself? Do I beg it into my life instead of goodness and strength? Have I subconsciously killed away the children that once grew in my womb? Washing them out to punish myself… Can the subconscious mind even do that? Can mind really kill matter? Can mind end the life of another, stop the heart from having another beat?

Did I do this to myself? I can’t help but believe I did.

I deserve to be punished. I deserve to hurt. I deserve to choke on the tears of grief that can no longer be swallowed back. “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel”, and the saddest part is I often don’t.

I am reckless. I am on the edge of a cliff unable to step back from the dangerous edge and begging to be pushed forward into the ending gravitational pull.

No one understands me because I simply don’t understand myself.

Life with depression, anxiety, and feeling like your value is only held in the hands of others is no way to live at all. Some days, I wonder if I am living at all. Most days I know I am not.

May 062017
 

The papers have sat blank while my thoughts have raced in ways that make no sense. Ink hovering above the page but never do they meet.

I feel utterly destroyed. Maybe I am destroyed.

The soul-holes making up the mass of who I am, if holes can have mass; they definitely take up space.

My heart beats heavily and with each pump it throbs and bleeds love and loss. Grief can only exist where love has been. To love is to lose.

I wonder if opening up and being vulnerable is worth it at all? Can I afford this pain again? Can I bear its unbearable weight? Even if I could, would I want to?

Would I want to feel the hollow place within me where many hearts have ceased to no longer beat? Where I don’t even know gender or name?

Will my heart be satisfied in its shattered state by trusting that God knew the name? I try to take solace in that, yet have no comfort. And I wonder, maybe there is no comfort to be had.

Holding you in my heart like a hidden treasure that I am unwilling to share.

Goodnight my sweet angels. I’ll see you when I rise…

 Posted by at 12:32 PM
Mar 252017
 

The M F chauvet intimidator spot led 350 in stock now!

This light has amazing and desirable features for any DJ or dance floor! It has a ton of features which are listed on the website as:

  • Feature packed, 75W LED moving head spot
  • Motorized focus allows the rotating gobos to be crisp when projected at most distances
  • 3-facet rotating prism splits the beam for great effects and to cover a larger area
  • Easy-access gobo door allows for quick gobo changes without opening the fixture
  • Electronic dimmer allows super-smooth LED fading
  • Manual zoom decreases beam angle by 5 to project farther
  • User-selectable pan and tilt ranges keep the light where you want it
  • Built-in effect macros and move-in-black feature minimizes programming time
  • Power linking saves time running cables and extension cords
  • Individual reset of pan/tilt, color, gobo, prism and focus allows the show to continue no matter what happens
  • Awesome sound-activated programs dance to the beat of the music
  • Easy access to built-in automated programs generate a synchronized show in master/slave mode

You can see some of it’s awesome capabilities in this video!

If you are planning a wedding, are part of a school that has a lot of dances as fundraisers, DJ as your business or run an establishment with a dance floor this would be an absolutely amazing product to add to your ambiance and keep the party alive!

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